warning: if excessive use of the word fuck offends you GTFOH…it’s in the title, you HAD to know it was showing up with all its fucking clones in this blog post

I tend to think I’m pretty good at appropriately allocating the amount of fucks I give in life…of course, I don’t always get it right but for the most part, I think I do a decent job.

Fucks aren’t as plentiful as people would have you believe, considering they dole them out all willy nilly over some of the most insane and unworthy situations and topics. You can only give so many fucks before it starts to impact your mental and even physical health. Misappropriation of fucks is a leading cause of heart attacks, high blood pressure, stress, and, to a lesser extent, pettiness. I promise, there are studies that prove this.

I figured, as a public service, I could share my criteria for deciding what to give a fuck about. Just out here trying to do some good.

Criteria #1: Does it impact me, my child, or the people I love? No? Then I won’t be allocating fucks to that.

One of my favorite lines from a Jay-Z song is “what you eat don’t make me shit”. If what you are doing, who you’re doing it with, what you think, thought, say does not have an impact on me, why the fuck should I care? I just can’t muster up the fucks necessary if it isn’t directly affecting me or mine.

Criteria #2: Will my giving a fuck be helpful for you? If not, I’m gonna have to RSVP “Fuck no”.

So there are times when caring about things that don’t impact me will actually still benefit the other party. In some cases, I may have some wisdom or advice to impart. A kind or encouraging word. Or I could be the voice of reason or caution. I may be able to play devil’s advocate and help someone think about something in a different way.

Here is where you have to be careful though. Sometimes, our egos want to interject what we think we know or our opinions just to be heard. We have to be careful and ask ourselves honestly “is what I’m sharing or doing actually helpful to the other party?” If not – if you’re going to embarrass someone, make them feel stupid or you’re just “setting someone straight” – it’s not worth the fucks, keep it moving. Your fucks have other places to be.

Criteria #3: Will giving a fuck change the outcome? No? Cool, fucks redeposited to my savings account.

We all know the term “don’t cry over spilled milk”. What that phrase really means is, giving a fuck won’t put the milk back in the carton or make it drinkable. Its already soaked up the lint and foot dust on the floor, it’s over and done. Pull yourself together and find something you can control to give a fuck about…like going to buy more milk.

Criteria #4: Will I, in giving a fuck, be agreeing to the plausibility of additional fucks being required at a later date?

If yes, then my answer depends:

3a) if I will have the ability to opt out the moment that criteria 1 or 2 above are not met, then sure, I can expend some fucks…just saying, if I give a fuck and then fall into hemorrhaging fucks, I’m in a nightmare and I want out!

3b) however, if giving a fuck obligates me to continue to expend fucks in contrast to the criteria listed above OR at an exponential rate, then nope…fucks denied! You ever find yourself giving a fuck about something and then it gets worse and worse and now you damn near need a loan from the bank of fucks to cover the amount required because you find yourself coming up short? Yah, I don’t wanna be in fucking debt. Not doing it.

Criteria #5: What is my ROF? If my Return On Fucks is low, issa no.

I majored in Finance and my first job out of grad school was to build financial models to calculate the value of a business. Companies wanted to know if they purchase those businesses, what would be their return on investment, or ROI. Basically, will they get back more than or at least what they put in. I feel similarly about my precious fucks. What will be the return? In other words, is it even worth it to give a fuck? If so, by all means, dig deep and give of your fucks generously. But if not, cut your losses and hold on to your fucks for a rainy day when you need them.

One of the first books I read in 2018 was The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck by Mark Manson. It’s yet early in the year, it was one of my favorite reads of the year.

There are two types of people who don’t give a fuck:

There are those who don’t out of a sense of superiority or being petty this book, nor this post, is about that. I’m not talking about thinking you’re better than others so you don’t have to care about their opinions. I’m also not talking about this sense of lack of accountability where you “answer to no one” about your actions no matter how fucked up they are. Those people probably need to give way more fucks.

There are those who don’t out of an understanding that there just isn’t much in this life that’s so serious you NEED to give a fuck. These people realize that it actually matters what you choose to give a fuck about. This book and this post is about being these people.

If you decide to buy the book by clicking the this link, I’ll get a few pennies for it (literally, I’ll get like .87) and it won’t cost you anything extra. You’d be doing some good at no extra cost. At least give a fuck about that. 😉